Sunday, December 7, 2014

Top Collection of New Years SMS




New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make
your regular annual good resolutions. 
Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
The new year begins in a snow-storm of white vows.
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For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
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We will open the book. Its pages are blank.
We are going to put words on them ourselves.
The book is called Opportunity and
its first chapter is New Year's Day.  
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Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar,
took his last drink and swore his last oath.
Today, we are a pious and exemplary community.
Thirty days from now, we 
shall have cast our reformation to the winds
and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings
considerably shorter than ever.
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People are so worried about what they eat between the New Year,
but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year
And ye, who have met with Adversity's blast,
And been bow'd to the earth by its fury;
To whom the Twelve Months, that have recently
pass'dWere as harsh as a prejudiced jury -Still,
fill to the Future! and join in our chime,
The regrets of remembrance to cozen,
And having obtained a New Trial of Time,
Shout in hopes of a kindlier dozen.
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Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go,
for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.
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Each age has deemed the new-born year
The fittest time for festal cheer.
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Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw
on a bank where they have no account.
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Glory to God in highest heaven, Who unto man His Son hath given;
While angels sing with tender mirth, A glad new year to all the earth.
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A new oath holds pretty well; but... when it is become old,
and frayed out, and damaged by a dozen annual retryings of its remains,
it ceases to be serviceable;
any little strain will snap it.
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But can one still make resolutions when one is over forty?
I live according to twenty-year-old habits.
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I do think New Year's resolutions can't technically be expected to begin on
New Year's Day, don't you? Since, because it's an extension of New Year's Eve,
smokers are already on a smoking roll and cannot be expected to stop abruptly on the stroke of midnight with so much nicotine in the system.
Also dieting on New Year's Day isn't a good idea
as you can't eat rationally but really
need to be free to consume whatever is necessary,
moment by moment, in order to ease your hangover.
I think it would be much more sensible if resolutions
began generally on January the second.
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New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot.
Unless, of course,
those tests come back positive.
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We meet todayTo thank Thee for the era done,
And Thee for the opening one.
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One resolution I have made, and try always to keep,
is this: To rise above the little things.
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Of all sound of all bells... most solemn and touching is 
the peal which rings out the Old Year.
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A happy New Year! Grant that IMay bring no tear to 
any eyeWhen this New Year in time shall endLet it be said I've played the friend, Have lived and loved and labored here, And made of it a happy year.
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It wouldn't be New Year's if I didn't have regrets.
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We spend January 1 walking through our lives,
room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done,
cracks to be patched. Maybe this year,
to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives...
not looking for flaws, but for potential.
EnglishMay all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.
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Time has no divisions to mark its passage,
there is never a thunder-storm or blare of
trumpets to announce the beginning of a new month or year.
Even when a new century begins it is only we mortals who ring bells 
and fire off pistols.
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I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans
, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life,
is too much of a daily event for me.
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New Year's is a harmless annual institution, 
of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for 
promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.
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Every man regards his own life as the New Year's Eve of time.
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Sunday, September 26, 2010

The Software Engineering

The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being… a little strange.

While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another: “The odds are good, but the goods are odd.”

Microsoft -Condoms

First man: “You know, I hear Microsoft is going to start making Condoms.”

Second man: “That gives a whole new meaning to the words, ‘General Protection Fault.’”

Hey Shopkeeper

Customer:Hey Shopkeeper i want some curtains for my computer
Shopkeeper:Why do u need curtains for your computer ????
Customer:Oh you don’t know my computer has windows

REASONS FOR GOING TO SCHOOL

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, It’s time to go to school!”
“But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”
“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
“Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!”
“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
“Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”
“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!”

PROFESSOR’S DEFINITIONS OF A KISS

Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I’m not familiar with that term.

THE NUTTY PROFESSOR

Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said: “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?”

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

“Wait, ladies,” cried the professor. “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”